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Fife Writes

Blair H Smith - Precipitating a Complaint

Precipitating a Grievance


May 2022                               


Dear Sir or Madam,

I’d like to complain.

                        I bought this umbrella, to use in the rain,

                        allowing me freedom, when planning a jaunt,

to weather the weather, and wear what I want.


But –

when I remember to carry my brolly,

           the sun only shines, and I look like a wally.   

Proud though I brandish my stylish accessory,

it proves inevitably unnecessary.


And –

if I’m persuaded by Judith’s forecasts

to leave it behind – well – the sun never lasts!

The wind, to which caution was flung far too soon

becomes, as you’ve probably guessed, a monsoon.


Anyway –

                   East Coast climes mean, no doubt,

that as soon as it’s up then it’s inside out.

I grip, when deployed, a device clearly failing –

like some elemental everted silk alien.


So –

         please will you refund my unwise purchase,

or send me a voucher, at least, to replace

it with something that I might select from your range,

resilient to fashion, Fife and climate change.


Yours faithfully

           Blair H. Smith

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